Hack HR and other learnings from HR Tech Conference

 

 

I used to loathe conferences.  As a lawyer I was obligated to attend to keep my license valid.  They were sooooo boring.   When I was a consultant, the conferences were hard work; I had to entice potential customers to buy our services.  I did not like that at all.  

But now that I am an HR professional, I get excited to go to conferences.  Good forward thinking conferences cover topics I care deeply about and make me feel that I belong in HR and am part of the movement that pushes for change. 

Last week’s HR Tech Europe conference in Amsterdam was definitely one I would call forward thinking.  With its great speakers and topics, it inspired me, I learned new things and most importantly I got back in touch with my purpose for doing what I am doing.  Here are some highlights (and some not so high points) I’d like to share.

Day 1 –

Keynote speaker Yves Morieux – Boston Consulting

Yves really woke us up.  After showing stats about the productivity and engagement crisis in our companies he asked us bluntly "what the hell have you been doing in your HR departments."  Ouch.  By the way, imagine what that sounds like when said with a strong French accent.  That hurts even more.

His thing was all about collaboration and how collaboration comes at the expense of individual performance.  He made his point by showing us a very cool Olympic relay race where the French surprisingly beat the Americans.  How French.   

 

Anyway, Yves was an engaging speaker,  a joy to listen to and he made a very compelling case for collaboration. 

 

My favorite quote: “Blame not for failing, but blame for failing to help or ask for help”  

What I learned:  Be even more focused on collaboration in designing HR strategy and processes.  

 

Thomas Davies – Google

Admittedly, I am in awe of Google.  And apparently, I am not the only one who wants to learn from this amazing company.  The room was packed, with people needing to stand in the back due to lack of chairs.   Here is a tip to event organizers;  Put Google speakers in your biggest rooms;  they’re very popular. 

Thomas did not let me down.  He had lots of energy and was great to look at.  But, most importantly he had a real nice authentic way about him.  He talked about their new product “Google for Work” which is all so cool.  But, what intrigued me even more was his thing about “relevance.”  He encouraged everyone to think about  how you can be relevant in your role.  Think about your purpose and innovation will flow. 

My favorite quote:  “Organic ideation is fueled by relevance”

What I learned:   Think more often about how I can be more relevant

Robert Hohman - Glassdoor

Glassdoor is the booking.com for finding jobs. Robert's goal is to help people find jobs and companies they love.  Glassdoor lets employees vent about their jobs and rate their companies.  It is one of the most disruptive companies in the HR space.  And I think Robert is on to something. His commitment to bring greater transparency and accountability to the workplace is the most compelling aspect of his company and the key to its success.  But, I still wonder about his business model (companies pay for analytics and advice).   Sounds a bit like a conflict of interest, no?  But, then again, I may just not get it. 

My favorite quote:  “Barton's 3 laws of the web:  #1 If it can be shared, it will be shared, #2 if it can be rated, it will be rated and #3 if it can be free, it will be free”

What I learned: we should not fear, but embrace transparency and recruitment as we know it, will be gone.

Day 2 -

Keynote Speaker R "Ray" Wang

Wow. What an energy. I loved it.  He is one of those people you wish you could be around more.  He elevates your thinking and inspires you to be better.  His topic was "The Future of Work In A Digital Era- The Impact of Massive Transparency".  It wasn't all new, but he was connecting the dots. I liked how his brain worked although Ray was going a million miles an hour. So, I'll just share some of the stuff he was talking about:

• The 5 generations in the workforce, not by age but by proficiency;  digital natives, digital immigrants, digital voyeurs, digital holdouts, and digital disengaged
• Companies no longer need to sell products, but need to keep brand promises
• Sell experiences and outcomes, not products
• Employees also want to design and manage their own experiences
• Mobile is not a device, but a way of working
• Brand authenticity is in everything you do
• We need not just CDO, but all CXOs must be digitally savvy
• What is your company's DNA: market leaders (5%), fast followers (15%), cautious adopters (50%), or laggards (30%)
• In Digital HR and IT collaboration is key to success.  HR needs simple, scalable and sexy, but IT requirements are safe, secure and sustainable

Pffff, and there was so much more.

My favorite quote:  We need to find more digital artisans and put them in every aspect of our business

What I learned:  I need to read his book.  I need to get this, all of it.

Kim Wylie and Yvonne Agyei - Google

In separate talks, Kim and Yvonne shared some of the insights in Google's culture and their experiences with transformation.  They said that if you give people freedom they'll do amazing things and I believe them.  What I particularly like about the Google people is that they seem so unassuming.  They work for one of the most admired companies, yet do not seem arrogant.  I have to admit that they do intimidate me;  not the individual people, but the company.  They have such a fundamentally different way of looking at the workplace.  Can what works in Google be done elsewhere; where in the world do we start?

Favorite quote: “if you give people freedom, they will do amazing things”

What I learned:  Think different is not just what they say, it is who they are.  It is possible. 

David Wilson - Elearnity

David is an independent analysist and reviews the European HR technology industry.  David is straightforward and brutally honest.  No sugarcoating the message here.  He is quite critical of the HR IT vendors.  All of them. They are not delivering on their promise because his stats show that the clients are not happy.  He went on to say that HR and IT have a reputation problem as well. We are the most hated in the company.  Ouch.  But, the best part was that he highlighted the infuriating conclusion of a panel discussion with the big vendors: "vendors take credit for the success of technology, but blame the users for the problems".  Yuck. 

Favorite quote:  “vendors take credit for the success of technology, but blame the users for the problems”

What I learned:  Vendors, all of them, have a way to go when it comes to customer centric thinking. 

All boys panel

This was the low point of the conference.  When all of the “zone” moderators were on the main stage to talk about themes, it became blatantly apparent; “where are the women?”  What a bummer.  Old boys network yet again.  Aaargh.  And inexcusable.   You guys gotta do better than this. 

Favorite quote:  Not sure what his exact words were, but Euan Semple seemed genuinely uneasy that there were no women. 

What I learned:  Keep pushing diversity. 

Keynote speaker Gary Hamel

Luckily, the conference did not stop there.  The best was kept for last; Gary Hamel.  He is the #1 Business Thinker in the World according to the Wall Street Journal.  And he did not disappoint.  What a story. 

His thing was that the real innovation needs to happen in management and leadership.  It is easy to buy obedience, diligence and intellect, but what companies need is initiative, imagination and passion.  Prof Hamel thinks that HR is suffering from ADD (Ambition Deficit Disorder).  The problem HR should be solving needs to be meaningful, something bigger.  Like how do we get the deeply human things as creativity and passion back in the workplace.  For that to occur we need to humanize the workplace.  True innovation happens only if we can find a way to rouse the human heart at work.  How beautiful is that.

He substantiated his statements with real life examples, he turned fairytales into reality.  Just imagine:

·         Abolishing titles

·         Crowd source strategy

·         Employees chose their colleagues

·         Employees elect their leaders

·         Sharing all compensation data

·         Setting salaries through peer review

·         Managing with a 1:400 span of control

This is really happening in the most innovative companies. 

Prof Hamel made the case that technology and a revolution in employee expectation will profoundly shift in how companies are led and managed and HR’s role is to engage the whole organization in an open conversation.  And as to HR, Prof Hamel thinks we should call upon every employee to help “hack” HR.

And finally, he called upon us to take action.  He cited a quote where Pope Francis, the “People’s Pope”, slammed Vatican leadership.  Prof Hamel tweaked it to apply to the business world:  “Past CEOs have often been narcissists, flattered and thrilled by their staffers.  Bureaucracy is the leprosy of our organization.  A top down model ignores the world around it and I will do everything to change it.”

His final comments were about what our purpose is, as HR leaders.  Are we ambitious enough?  Are we going to do everything to change what is not right?  Are we committed to find that way to rouse the heart in the workplace?  It is HR, it is us;  we should be in front of the inevitable transition to humanize the workplace.

I do not know about anyone else in the crowd, but that call to action really hit home.  That is exactly the reason why I am in HR.  So, thank you HR Tech Europe for inviting Gary Hamel and thank you Gary Hamel for reconnecting me to my purpose…

Beating the fear of public speaking

A couple of weeks ago I delivered my first big speech.  It was for a Dutch HR leadership crowd in Bussum, the Netherlands and it wound up being one of my best professional experiences ever.

In March I received a call from the organizer asking if I wanted to participate in the HR leadership conference.  When I asked for some more information about the program, I learned that there were no female speakers yet.  Not one.  At an HR event....

I voiced my surprise and disappointment to the guy on the phone.  "It is a reason for me NOT to attend the conference"  I told him.  A few days later someone from the event organization called me back and asked if I'd be interested in being a speaker.  Yeah well, how could I say no.  Not after faulting them for the lack of diversity in speakers.   But, more importantly, I did not want to say no.  I was scared, but I also felt honored.  They liked what I had to say, apparently. 

Now what should I talk about?  The woman from the organization would like me to "set the tone"  and "wake the audience up." Something about the digital transformation disrupting our industry and why we need our HR leaders to make a difference.

There are so many subjects that crossed my mind.  All of them I feel strongly about, like  

• HR must learn to speak the same language as business leaders.  That is the key to impact.  
• HR needs to be way more data driven and strategic.
• HR has a negative reputation. Often I feel defensive when I explain what I do to non-HR people at network events.  That really bums me out.
• HR needs to improve.  We need talented people who get it.
• Having digital natives/Millenials/GenY/GenC, or whatever you want to call it; as customers, employees and leaders.  My favorite subject.

I asked some help from a professional.  His initial feedback was a bit confrontational.  "Everybody knows this stuff already.  You're not telling them anything new."  "What is your main message?"  "What do you want to leave your audience with?"

Well, that is a really difficult question. I really struggled with it.  One thing was clear.  I needed to talk about my journey, my own story.  About why I decided to make the switch to HR.  And where that passion has brought me today.   I knew full well that this was quite different from most talks at these types of events.  But this was my chance to dare greatly. 

So, I dared.  I wove my personal story into HR content.  I decided to stay away from powerpoint and used a prezi with just pictures to support the passion and emotion I wanted to deliver in the talk.    

On the day of the event, I was scared but also quite confident.  I had prepared well.  My husband's words kept going through my head; "No guts, no glory."   I found comfort knowing that I was going to try.  I may fail, but at least I tried.  And I was proud for pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

The host opened the event with a short speech.  After that he explained that the crowd could choose between 2 speakers; me and another guy.  The expectation was that half would stay in the room and the other half would watch me in a different room.   But, the host made my introduction sound a lot more attractive.  He said "Maja sees herself as an HR outsider.  She was a lawyer and consultant before she came to HR.  After she lived in the US for 20 years, she decided to move from New York to Heerlen."  The other guy was going to talk about implementing some system. 

So pretty much everyone got up and came to my room.  There were not even enough chairs.  More chairs were brought in which delayed my start.  The pressure was on, but I kept my cool.  I did feel very excited.  I was secretely celebrating :"They want to hear my story.  How awesome is that?" 

With a pounding heart I started.  And it felt good right away.    I could feel how the crowd was engaged in my story.  They were with me all the way up until the end.  After 25 minutes I closed with my main point "Find your purpose, find your passion.  Because it is up to us in HR to make our workplace a better place.  Not only for our digital heros, but also for our kids.  A place where everyone thrives and can be their best, as employees and as parents"

The audience applauded loudly (I thought).  I was soooo psyched.  I did it.  What an AWESOME feeling.

The immediate feedback was really great.  Different people got different things out of the talk.  Some connected with my personal story, others with the HR content.  It was good.  The talk was good.  I even got three more invitations to speak. 

This was very big.  It felt like a huge victory.  It was the ultimate proof that I had overcome my biggest fear.  A fear that had paralyzed me for years; public speaking.  I really sucked at it.   I still crinch at the thought of those experiences.  I used to be so nervous that my voice would start to tremble.  I could not control it.  I sounded like I was going to cry.   People in the audience pitied me.  I could see it in their eyes.  They felt sorry for me.  Just humiliating.

Then, 4 years ago I did a presentation training.  Just 4 years ago.  Twenty years into my career.  Better late than never, right?  And ...  I fixed it.  Just like that.  My shaky voice was gone.  And it has not come back since.  It was not even that hard.   I was so happy with the result because it opened up a new world for me.  It changed me. 

I promised myself right there and then to not hide my past failures.  Instead, I should try to inspire others.  Others that want to fix their fear of public speaking.  I am living proof that anyone can overcome it.   It is possible to learn even if you really suck at it. 

So, here's to everyone who fears talking in front of a big group:  You can learn it!  You're never too old!  It is not that hard!  You might need to get some coaching, but you can do it!      
 

Why be vulnerable?

When I posted my last blog post, “I can’t do anything right”,  I was doing what I set out to do:  write about my experiences in corporate life.  Good and bad.  

But, did I go too far?   I did for some.  When I first realized the story’s impact, my first thought was "shit" .  What did I do?  People now think I am an emotional wreck.  That I can’t handle stress.  What the hell was I thinking?   I shouldn’t have published this story. 

Of course, there were the real positive responses.  Friends and colleagues who encouraged me to keep writing.  They connected to the story because they recognized and related to it.  Mostly women though, only a couple of men (Millennials). 

Others felt really bad for me.  A kinda “poor you” response.  One of my girlfriends even stopped by my house after she read it with some flowers. To make me feel better.  

But the most upsetting feedback was not written in the comments or in mails.  I felt it when I asked for reactions.  The comments were something like:  "That was really personal stuff,"  "I would never publicly talk about that."  Clearly, these people felt it was too much.  Why did I show so much vulnerability, laying myself open like that, and share it with everyone?  Why would anyone in their right mind do that?

So, why did I do it? 

It all stems from my belief that we need a new kind of work environment.  That business as usual is about to be over.  That work is not solely about "rational" processes.  I believe that if we want to get the best out of our people, we need to become more human in the workplace.  And that means caring - treating people with respect, empathy and compassion.   

And yes, this touchy feely stuff has a place at work.  Not only because I think so.   Much is written about humanizing the workplace and unleashing people's potentional. There is a consensus that being human is good for business.  If we want innovation, if we want creativity, if we want breakthroughs, we have to open our hearts to the people around us. We need to care. To connect. To extend ourselves authentically.

But, we need to make sure that these are not just big words and noble ambitions. It is not so much about what we say.  It is about who we are. 

In the months leading up to the big transformation announcement, I saw colleagues who, like me, were trying to cope with the extra pressures. With the long hours and the massive workloads.  Who, like me, were struggling to keep the right balance, stay positive, motivated and not get overwhelmed.    

This is the reality of so many people, not only in our company.  With the economic downturn, a rapidly changing world, the restructurings, the lay-offs, we are asked to step it up all the time; we are expected to do more with less.  This is the world we live in.   

We also live in a culture of “never enough."  Where the fear of not being ____________ enough is rampant.  

Just fill in the blanks

Not cool enough
Not perfect enough
Not powerful enough
Not successful enough
Not smart enough
Not thin enough
Not tough enough 
Not strong enough
Not resilient enoug
Not political enough

My goal was to write a “me too” story. How I was dealing with the transformation, the stress, the balance and workload. How the fear of not being good enough affects me in my work.

The self-doubt I tried to describe is all-too-common for women.  I believe this is one of the main reasons why not more women rise to the top. 

A few years ago, I heard the CEO of my previous company talk about it.  He explained that men and women respond very differently to his question: "who is ready for a promotion?"  The men all raised their hand immediately.   The women were not so eager.  The women needed to be sure that they were ready, good enough, for the bigger job.  

Although men tend to be more outspoken, take more credit and display (over) confidence, that does not mean men have no fears.  According to Brene Brown, men are equally affected by not _________ enough.  "Basically, men live under the pressure of one unrelenting message: Do not be perceived as weak." 

Men are taught that being afraid, show fear or being vulnerable is just not acceptable.  Don't be a pussy. Man up. Pull it together.

And lets be honest, we like to see strength, dominance and confidence in our leaders. We do.  We prefer strong, bold and even aggressive people to be our leaders.

So, we tell women that if they want to make it they need to hide their self doubt and adopt the more masculine traits, like (over) confidence, taking credit, being outspoken.  

But, we want men to care more, to be more empathatic, to show vulnerability.  But, do we really mean that? 

We want that vulnerability because we want to be an agile, modern, successful company where innovation is part of our DNA.  We want it because we're told that vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation and change.   Innovation is putting an idea on a table that half the people in the room thought was stupid. That the other half questioned.

We, as leaders, are called upon to exhibit the vulnerability that we want to see in our people.  That is not only about sharing innovative ideas.  It is also asking for help, saying you don't know, admitting you are wrong,  admitting that you failed, being afraid.  

If we want our people to feel comfortable coming up to us and saying "Hey, I don't really understand this and I want to understand it, I need some help," then we must open up ourselves, show our own vulnerability.  We have to be role models for taking risks and failing.

 
But it is not that easy. We all get very mixed messages. Make no mistake; showing vulnerability requires a lot of courage. Being vulnerable is truly disruptive. No one wants to do vulnerability. It sucks. It is scary. And it is risky, because vulnerability is still seen by many as a weakness.   And no one wants to appear weak.

….

The "me too" story I wrote is all about trying to connect.  Because connection is why we are here.  It is how we are wired as human beings.  It gives purpose and meaning to our lives.  Connection is about knowing that we're not alone.  To experience connection, we have to experience being vulnerable.

Also, I wanted to reach out to other women.  If more women understand that we all, even successful women, have a whole range of fears and insecurities, more women may go on to shatter more glass ceilings rather than succumbing to self doubt.

But, if my goal was to connect, did I succeed?

Honestly, I don’t know.  Did I show too much vulnerability?  Did I let it all hang out there?  Was I oversharing? 

What I do know is that vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust.  We don’t bear our souls the first time we meet someone.  We don’t start with: Hi, I am Maja and here is my darkest struggle.  That is desperation or woundedness or even attention seeking, it is vulnerability gone too far.  Being vulnerable can lead to increased connection and trust.  But, showing too much vulnerability too soon can do just the opposite; causing disconnection and distrust. 

So, did I increase connection and trust with my story?  I think it depends on who you talk to.  We all speak different languages.  We tend to give what we want to get, we communicate in the way we want to be communicated with.  Even if it isn’t what the recipient wants.

There are many who do not do vulnerability.  They won’t get it.  They won’t get me.

But, as Seth Godin, so eloquently put it:  “real change comes from finding and embracing and connecting and amplifying those that are inclined to like you and believe in you.”

So, I will stop trying to win over the critics and focus on the ones that get it.

Knowing what I know now, would I do it again?

Hmmm, I am not sure.  I hate the idea that some people may have winced at my story.  The “too much” reaction still stings.    

But, I tried to connect and build trust and humanize our transformation and work. 

I dared greatly.  And that is what counts most.  For me.

I cannot do anything right

It is Friday night.  I am in the train on my way home.   I am exhausted.

It is an insanely busy time.  We are in the midst of a massive transformation.  The largest in our company’s history.  So, it is not business as usual.  Everyone is under enormous amounts of stress.  And, understandably, not everyone is coping with it well.    

Me, I go from feeling energized (this is big stuff, interesting stuff) to feeling overwhelmed (out of control workload and not enough staff).  The hardest part is the constantly moving goal posts and last minute changes.   

But,  I am actually convincing myself that this kind of stress is not all bad.  Inspired by Kelly Mcgonical, see here, I am thinking of stress as my body getting ready to rise up to the challenge.  It is really about courage.    As long as I perceive stress as such, it would be a good thing.  It also opens your heart to be more compassionate.  All good stuff.   

And I think it works.  At least partly.   When the pressure is really on, I seem to have an unlimited source of energy and drive.   I am able to get so much done and can focus really well.  And I feel really supported by my team.  We are delivering.  On time.  A real sense of accomplishment. 

But, it comes at a price.   Exercise stops.  Reading stops.  Good night sleep stops.  Relaxation stops.  Weekends stop.  And I am not present, at least not mentally, for my family.  The only thoughts I have are work related.   To be fair though, I make these choices myself.  No one is putting a gun to my head.  In fact, my husband and daughters try very hard to make me stop.   But, I don’t really want to or can think of anything else.  Like an addict.     

I'm pretty sure this is not part of "healthy stress".  I also realize that I am desperately longing for praise.  I am vulnerable.  And my team is suffering too.   What we need is to be recognized for how good of a job we are doing. 

But, no…. 

I just looked at my messages.   Shit.  Shit.  Bad news.  My heart is pounding.  We made mistakes.  Stupid mistakes.  Sloppy.   They should have been avoided. 

Part of me is defensive. “ Of course, this was bound to happen.  We are spread so thin and the team is just beaten down.  Quality always suffers then."   

But the other part, the part that craves praise,  is hurting.   That part is about fear.  Afraid that I am not good enough.  Not organized enough.  Not detail oriented enough.  Not experienced enough.  Not smart enough.  

I hate this feeling.  The feeling that I cannot do anything right.   And that I am not worthy of praise.   

Which is ridiculous.   I am doing the very best I can.   Everyone makes mistakes.  I need to be nice to myself.  I am just human.  So, I’m going to stop thinking about work and hereby commit to

1.      Spend quality time with my girls

2.      Hang with my husband

3.      Exercise

4.      Take the dog to the woods

5.      Practice self compassion and gratitude

6.      Practice laughing

7.      Sleep in

Oh yeah, and finish up some work.

 

I was in New York on 9/11

September 11, 2001 started like any other day.  I was getting ready for work.  The tv was on.  I was late.  I had tons of work.  Our day was full of conference calls.  We were in the midst of this massive due diligence project involving 80 countries for our biggest client.  The deadline was only 3 weeks away.

But this was New York.  It was quite normal to get a late start.  I was watching the Today Show.  Then at 8:50: breaking news.  There was a plane crash in New York.  A plane hit the world trade center. 

At that time, I was commuting between Milwaukee (where my now husband, David, lived) and New York.  I flew back and forth every week.  So, my first thought was “chances are that there won’t be another plane crash in the near future, statistically speaking.”  So, I was somehow feeling more safe about flying.  Strangely relieved.

With that thought I left my apartment and went into the subway to midtown.  To my office.  In the elevator there was all this talk about another plane hitting the twin towers.  So, 2 planes hit the twin towers?  Yeah, right.   That they were closing all bridges.  And that we weren’t allowed off the island.  Just crazy talk.  I thought everyone was just overreacting and being overly dramatic. 

When I got to my office it slowly dawned on me.  This was not “just” a plane crash.  This was not an accident.  There were 2 planes involved.  This was done on purpose.  Incomprehensable.  Some of that crazy talk was valid.  Now what?

Well, first things first. I was working with Dutch expats and we needed to let our families in Holland know that we were all ok.  The phones were all messed up, though.  We could not call out internationally.  So trying to get in touch with Holland kept us busy for a while. 
 

And then the phone rang.  It was my Israeli colleague.  We had a conference call scheduled and she was wondering if it was still on.  “Have you not heard” I asked surprised.  Of course she had, but she lived in Israel.  Terror attacks were part of their reality.  Life does not stop when there has been an attack.  Work does not stop either.  Wow.

At some point some of us were in our boss’ office.  He was on the phone with the Dutch radio.  Radio 1 wanted to talk to Dutch people who were in NY witnessing the events first hand.  While we were on hold, we could hear about the incoming news streams being read in real time.  Something about that there were still 4 planes heading to New York.  This was not over yet.  But, again, no panic. 

There was something else going on.  I knew that this was very very big.  And we were right smack in the middle of it.  This was history being made and we were witnissing it first hand.  It made me feel special.  I felt important.  And that was strangely exciting.   

We went to a big conference room with a tv.  It had a view of the towers.  Far far away.  There were  lots of people there.  Also people I’d never met  before.  Then the first tower collapsed.  Oh no.  I did not expect that.  Everyone was horrified.  And then this women in the room started screaming.  Her dad worked in that tower.  Jesus. Now, this was not “exciting.”   Did this woman’s dad die?  Surely everyone had left that building, I thought.  They must have.  They had like an hour to get out. 

Later we were told to evacuate our building.  We decided to just start walking north.  It was crowded on the streets.  Most people seemed to have left their offices.  And everyone seemed to be going north.

We all walked to central park.  We did not know what was going to happen.  Were there more planes heading our way? Were there toxic chemicals in the air?  Were we going to be quarantined on the island?  Were we at war?

You’d expect panic.  But, again, there was none of that. These were just rational thoughts.  I did not feel the fear and panic.  Yet.

It was a gorgeous day with blue skies.  People in suits and brief cases were walking steadily, silently, almost serenely, in the park.   It was surreal.

We stuck together that day.  No one wanted to be alone.  We were all expats and had no family in New York.  My colleagues were my family that day.  We watched tv in a bar and later at someone’s apartment to see what was unfolding. 

I watched the world’s reaction on tv in disbelief.  I did not understand.  Why were all these people from all around the world so emotional?  It irritated me.  It felt as if they were taking away from the real victims.  They had no right to be so upset.  It was not their drama.  It was not their family in the towers.  Most of them never even been to the US, or New York.

In hindsight, I think it had to do with me trying to create distance in my mind.  The twin towers were very far away from where I worked.  I had no right to be emotional.  I was fine. 

Or, perhaps the irritation had something to do with feeling guilty for enjoying being so close to the drama.  For feeling so special.

Either way, I was not scared.  At least that is what I was telling myself.  I did not let myself go there.  I did not panic, I did not cry.  I felt very little.

I went back to my apartment alone that night and fell asleep.  Without a problem. 

The next day I just went back to the office.  What else was I going to do?  That is where my “family” was.  Of course, I’d rather go to Milwaukee.  To David.  But, I couldn’t.  There were no planes leaving New York.  No trains either.

Most of us were at the office.  At first we were just talking, but after a while we opened our computers and were looking at e-mails.  Work.  Normal. 

All of a sudden the fire alarm went off.  I panicked.  Not again.  This time I felt scared.  Real scared.  It was no longer exciting.  My heart was beating so hard. I was shaking and ran down the hall.  I yelled at my colleagues to hurry up. “Leave your stupid computers, just GO!”    I ran to the stair case and started to run down.  Forty seven floors.  And all I was thinking was “it’s our turn” ,   “we’re going to die here”  “just like them”.  Forty seven floors take a long time.  It took forever.   I was shaking and had tears in my eyes.  I just kept running down the stairs.  There was nothing I could do now. 

And then we were outside.  I made it.  We heard that the fire alarm was triggered by some idiot smoking a cigarette in his office.  Some of my colleagues just brushed this whole thing off and went back upstairs to get their laptops.  But, I didn’t.  I couldn’t.  I was not going back up there.  Never.  I was happy that I didn’t die in that staircase.  But the panic had not gone away.  I felt so unsafe.  I needed to get the hell out of there.  Out of this city.  No matter what.

I told my colleagues I was going to Milwaukee.   I felt ashamed for being so freaked out. 

Now getting out of there was not so easy.  With no planes and no trains, I decided to rent a car.  But, all car rental places had either no car left, or very long lines.  It was so frustrating.  And my panic turned into anger.  I was angry at the people behind the counter at the different car rental places.  Why were they so inefficient?  Why did no one explain what the deal was? Everything just sucked.  I hated these people.   

Tvs were on in the rental car places.  I watched these stupid people on tv saying shit like “we’re not going to let the terrorists win,  we will not leave”.  Morons, I thought.  That stupid American cheerleading attitude.   I hated them.  I hated all people.

But, I was not giving up.  And after hours of hearing no and standing in lines, I got myself a rental car.  An enormous bright yellow 4 wheel drive.   I hated those cars.  But, it was the only one left.  It costs me something like $400 per day.  But, I did not care.  I would have given everything to get out of this situation.

I stopped at my apartment to grab some stuff and started driving.  To get off the island I needed to cross the bridge.  The panic was back.   What if the bridge was the next target?  I was holding my breath, tears streaming down my face, heart beating in my throat.   

I finally made it.  I got off the island.  I looked in the rear view mirror and saw the massive smoke clouds over lower Manhattan.  What a mess.  What a horrible, horrible world.

It was a 14 hour drive.  It took me 2 days.   I felt depressed, angry, scared and alone.   It was so good to finally be in my David’s arms.  But I would never feel totally safe again.  Ever.